The book starts off with a 2-page history of the Post (mostly changes of ownership) followed by several pages bent on sliming the 1993 owner, real estate mogul Abe Hirschfield. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and the Post can’t seem to get enough of laying this gentleman low. The rest of the book is devotes to covers and memorable inside pages. The chosen covers are taken from the world of politics (“The Full Monica”), sports (“May the Curse Be With You” — odious to this Red Sox fan, but clever nonetheless) and the Mafia (“Gotti’s Greatest Hits”). The selected titles also highlight the tabloid’s propensity for bringing down the mighty — be it Jim Bakker, Donald Trump or Martha Stewart — and upping the cleavage count. Anything to get the proles to shell over a few clams. Later Post covers showed an alarming propensity to editorialize and pander to the masses in a way that goes well beyond journalistic limits of propriety. “Axis of Weasel” blares one headline from January 2003 over the photos of French and German leaders who opposed America’s invasion of Iraq. While the locals must have lapped up that sentiment, after 5 years of war, the fun has gone out of it.

In any event, whether maddening or delighting, the Post headlines are eye-catching, if not always memorable, clever or right. They serve their purpose — to attract reader attention, and entice them to pay 25 or 50 cents to see what other red meat might be lurking beneath the headers — be they funny put downs or pix of some bathing beauty. “Topless Body” does not always show the Post in good light, but it does show it, and that may be all the point it needs.
Rating: 3 / 5

Released by Retromedia as part of Fred Olen Ray’s “Nite Owl Theater” series, the film showcases the talents of not only the master thespian Joe Estevez, but the talents of Blake Pickett and Bently Tittle, too! There’s are even cameos by William Grefe and Cocoa Zuckerman, the dog, as Cracker. This is a tour de force extravaganza, and I can’t imagine that everyone won’t need their own copy to watch over and over. (Especially the scene where Blake Pickett’s outdoorsy activities are curtailed by the horrifying armadillo of death.)

The film starts with a typically coarse introduction from Fred Olen Ray, and gets right down to business. Rod Kendrick (Joe Estevez) is the owner of Kendrick Aerospace Corporation, which has built and launched their own space shuttle to show NASA how it is done. It’s flown by petulant pilot Steve Thomas (Steve Barkett,) and the ground control team consists solely of Kendrick. During reentry the shuttle “Nautilus” is attacked by alien spores, which through the most hilarious transmogrification ever, change Steve into a monster that’s supposed to be scary like “Alien,” but looks more like something from “Sesame Street.” The shuttle crashes in the Everglades, and the flaming wreckage is shown in closeup, though in truth most of the parts look more like they came from a commercial kitchen than a spacecraft. As the film pans through the wreckage the shadow of a huge dinosaur-like alien with insect legs crosses over the debris, instilling great fear.

After a quick subplot about the Roger Tory Peterson “Field Guide to Birds,” the film takes us to crack television reporter Kim Masters (Blake Pickett,) her Producer, and an “archeological team” allegedly looking for Indian burial mounds, but really headed by Frank Norris (John Maynard,) a biologist specializing in alien life forms. They are looking for old Tom Hanning (played in cameo by legendary filmmaker William Grefe,) but since he’s dead, they settle for his son, young Tom Hanning (Bently Tittle.) Hanning agrees to take them into the woods, but once there demands to know their real motives, as he doesn’t buy the burial mound story. He quickly discovers they are looking for the “Nautilus.”

Before long the monster and former astronaut shows up, and if this doesn’t make you laugh, you are more than likely dead. This is just about the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. While at camp the monster watches them from the underbrush while having flashbacks of Joe Estevez and an atomic bomb explosion. One of the party is so comfortable that the remark “What could possibly go wrong here?” is heard echoing through the leafy glade….

They stumble on the shuttle, and it’s covered in orange sponge cake, which is supposed to be the alien spores thriving on Earth. Kim is extremely hot, but cranky, and has a certain effect on her producer (“You know how I am with buttons, Kim”) that is not at all professional, resulting in a moment that can only be interrupted by a mutant orange armadillo attacking the poor fellow. And things had been looking so good for him, too. The armadillo attack is the highlight of the movie for me; when we learn more about it, we discover that the alien spores have possessed the armadillo’s mind, causing its ferocious attack. (Frank learns this from the fact that a sample of the spores mixed with sulphuric acid causes a Florence flask to explode. I don’t know how he knows, he just knows.)

The body count credited to Steve Thomas, the drooling astronaut-dinosaur, starts to really pile up, causing great concern to the cast. Unfortunately, they find that he’s anemic, and is now also a vampire. That is one monster with a lot going on. Frank gets possessed by an agglomeration of spores in their “flying foccacia bread” formation, but narrowly escapes, while another member of the party isn’t so lucky with the larval alien eggplant from the neck eruption. Frank declares “somehow these spores are sentient,” and after a discussion of the desirability of dropping a nuclear bomb on central Florida, the final battle with the alien commences. It’s settled with a flare gun, which results in the funniest burning monster plot resolution I’ve seen in a long time. But is the fight really over? I am not at liberty to reveal that information.

Bear in mind that even though this allegedly stars Joe Estevez, he really isn’t featured prominently. He’s seen as a mission controller in the opening shot, and throughout the film there are shots of him doing press conferences explaining why he’s not looking for his crashed spacecraft. This looked to be a pretty good afternoon’s work for Joe, who never appears in the same shot as any of the other cast members. This duality only heightened the onscreen tension, making a standout production uniquely haunting.

For some reason the credits show shots of the planet Jupiter. Why? the shuttle didn’t go to Jupiter. Are the spores from Jupiter? If so how did they get into low Earth orbit? These kind of questions delicately nuance the film, and demonstrate that in the darkness of the universe all things are interconnected. (Or not.) The credits themselves are humorous to read. We learn that “Dark Universe” was “Filmed on Location in Orlando, Sanford, Titusville, and Kissimmee Florida and in the Merritt Island Wildlife Sanctuary.” For those that don’t know, this means the film was made very close to the Kennedy Space Center, home of actual rockets and real space shuttles. The credits also mention that the alligator and wildlife footage was shot in Gatorland (a longstanding Florida tourist haven) and gave “Special Thanks To” (among many others): Pizza Hut, Popeye’s, Subway, Winn Dixie, Chick-Fil-A, Frito Lay, Hostess (a Twinkie is discussed in some detail in the film), Midway Fish Camp, and Valencia Community College. They all contributed their part to this piece of cinematic wonder.

The DVD also features a few extras, including an “Evil Toons” animated cel offer, a very brief still gallery, and some amusing trailers.

For people who love cinematic cheese and B-movies of any kind, this is completely indispensable. I was amused or entertained by something in every shot, and lovers of bad or cult movies will undoubtedly be thrilled with this, one of the greatest films Joe Estevez made that week.
Rating: 5 / 5

As the Post is a down-market tabloid the headlines are no-nonsense grabbers that are history by the next edition which is why I found so many of them rather superficial and that only pointed up several that I thought classics. The arrest of Panama dictator Noriega in 1990: CANNED PINEAPPLE (because of his pock-marked face), Mike Tyson fight: BITE OF THE CENTURY, Russel Crowe court case: CROWE FLIES.

What did intrigue me about the Post pages was the sloppy design. There seemed to be no tabloid style of locking the headlines, pictures and text in a tight page design. Odd because Murdoch’s News Corporation who owns the paper also owns Britain’s best selling tabloid the Sun, which daily produces great newspaper pages in the best tabloid style. The best selling German tabloid Bilt also has tightly designed pages, yet the Post, from what is shown in the book, rather ignores the tabloid look.

As a collector of great headlines, I’ve enjoyed these:

* U.S. ADMITS ATTACKS ON ALLIED WARSHIPS `MISTAKEN FOR HELICOPTERS’

* The war of the obese parsnip: will sugar cane take a beating

* Lone rower may miss Australia

* You Pretend to Drive, We Pretend to Get You There (about taxi drivers in Moscow)

And my favorite from the British Sunday Times in 1993 about the Inspector Morse TV series: Backward reels the mind in the dotty dash to give Morse a name

***SEE SOME INSIDE PAGES (and some from the Brit Sun) by clicking ‘customer images’ under the cover.
Rating: 3 / 5